5 Tips on Managing and Avoiding Resentment In a Relationship From an Online Therapist
How Resentment Can Grown In a Relationship
Having a healthy relationship takes work, and communication is key to building a healthy foundation within your relationship. If communication is lacking, this is where resentment can grow.
Resentment does not just happen in abusive relationships and can be caused by one or both partners feeling hurt or angry about a behavior or action, and not talking about it. Sometimes resentment can grow over time, and by the time you realize the resentment, you may be unsure of where it started in the first place.
It is important to understand the past wounds where resentment may have started, and also just as important to know how to work through resentment, so that you don’t continue to have distance and conflict in your relationship.
8 Causes of Resentment in Relationships
You Feel Ignored
One big sign that you may be experiencing resentment is if you are feeling ignored. If you are trying to share with your partner how you are feeling or what you need, and you feel ignored, or maybe your partner turns the conversation back to themselves, this could be leading to resentment.
When individuals feel ignored in a relationship, this can cause feelings of not being important to their partner, leading to resentment. It is important to be open to your partner if you are feeling this way in your relationship so that they are aware.
You Argue Too Much
If you feel like you keep having the same argument over and over again, this can build resentment. Couples can at times get into negative cycles or patterns, where they argue about the same topic. If a couple is arguing about the same thing, this can lead to one or both partners feeling as though their partner does not listen or care about their needs, or maybe they do listen but are not willing to make changes or take action.
Resentment can happen when we do not feel we are getting what we deserve in our relationship, despite asking for it.
It is important to work on listening to your partner, rather than just hearing them. Listening means that you share with them what you think they mean or are saying so that they can feel heard in their concerns.
You Keep Finding Faults In Your Partner
Resentment can grow when you start to focus on your partner’s flaws, mistakes, or negative aspects of self in the relationship. You may start doing this because there is an unresolved issue within the relationship that you are frustrated with, which can lead to consistent negative thoughts about your partner, and difficulty seeing the positive.
If during a fight you notice only fixating on the mistakes your partner is making, and not being able to see the effort they may be doing to fix the relationship, this can lead to resentment.
You Use Passive Aggressive Behavior
When one or both partners use passive-aggressive communication, this can lead to resentment. Passive aggressive communication can look like silent treatment, comments under your breath, small jabs at your partner in conversation, avoidance, and certain body language shifts.
This is an ineffective way of communicating what is really hurting you and can cause resentment within the relationship when your partner is not feeling that they are being treated respectfully. Typically someone may use passive-aggressive behavior due to feeling hurt, insecure, or sad within the relationship, although is not saying this directly.
One of You Physically or Emotionally Withdraws From the Relationship
When one partner withholds intimacy through emotional conversation or physical touch, this can lead to resentment. A partner may be withholding intimacy as a way of punishment for their partner when they feel hurt, although this can be very damaging to the relationship in regaining connection.
When a partner withholds intimacy, this can lead to the other partner thinking that they may not be good enough, creating sadness and frustration, and conflict. When I talk about intimacy, I don’t just mean sex. Intimacy means emotional support of some kind, showing that you are there for your partner. When this is withheld, this can lead to resentment and hurt feelings of rejection.
You Don’t Know How to Fix the Problem In Your Relationship
Resentment can grow in a relationship when you start to feel hopeless to make changes. If you have been trying to feel heard, manage conflict, and find a solution to no end, and still feel stuck in the relationship, this can lead to conflict and frustration as well as resentment.
When you continually try to manage conflict and cannot figure out how to reconnect, this can feel like a lack of ability to fix the problems going on with you and your partner in the relationship.
You Have Unfulfilled or Unspoken Expectations
We all have desires, wants, and needs from our partners within a relationship that we hope to get.
These expectations need to be discussed with your partner because if they might be unreasonable or too large of an expectation, and your partner is unable to reach these expectations, resentment will build.
You may start blaming, criticizing, and showing consistent irritability when your unspoken expectations are not met within the relationship.
One of You Is Always Spending Time Away From Your Partner or the Relationship
Another reason for resentment is when one person feels alone within the relationship due to the other being gone consistently, or not helping out around the house in some way.
These situations can create resentment due to one partner feeling that they are taking on more than their partner regarding household chores, taking care of pets and children, while their partner is gone all the time having fun or working long hours.
Resentment can grow due to things feeling unfair.
Tips to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship
Communicate with your partner
The first step in getting through resentment is talking about how you feel resentful with your partner. Being honest about how you are feeling, using a calm and sensitive tone to discuss your feelings. Focus on your feelings, rather than attacking them for their behavior.
Be honest with your partner
Being honest about how you have been feeling is a way to build trust with your partner. This may be an issue for both of you in the relationship in being honest about how you have been feeling, so make sure to provide space and understanding for their honesty as well.
Work on solutions to your resentment together
Find a time when both of you have the space and availability to sit down and talk about these issues. Stick to one topic at a time, and stay focused on one solution at a time. Sometimes we can share too many frustrations, causing your partner to become defensive and this does not go well, and neither of you feels good in the end.
Show respect for your partner and their viewpoint
It is important to speak from a place of love and compassion for yourself and your partner. Talking about your struggles with anger and spite will not get you far in getting through your resentment with your partner. Speaking to a couples counselor will also be helpful in navigating these resentments if the two of you can’t seem to find common ground.
Don’t play the blame game
Playing the blame game of who is right and who is wrong will only make things work. You want to think of your relationship as a team, and not see your partner as the enemy. Working together and communicating in a healthy way regarding what was hurtful to you, and focusing on your emotions, rather than blaming your partner for what they do wrong, is the healthy way of addressing issues within the relationship.
Begin Online Couples Therapy Today!
Distance shouldn’t determine the mental health resources that are available to you. As an online therapist, I am happy to offer support with understanding the costs and benefits of online therapy services and help you address the concerns affecting you most so connect with me. You can start your online therapy journey with Aspen Grove Counseling .
