7 Dating Tips From a Therapist
Relationships are a wonderful part of life.
We all are searching for that person who we can be ourselves with and trust, who accepts us for who we are, and who loves us unconditionally. In talking with my clients, dating is the hardest part these days, and finding the right person, especially through online dating, can be difficult.
While there are more opportunities to meet someone due to online dating, there is still a struggle for most people to find the right person. Someone may be putting themselves out there and still going on dates with no luck, leading to low motivation and giving up at times in finding their partner. I wanted to offer some tips on how to find the right person, and things you can do to eliminate going on too many bad dates.
Finding common interests
The first step in finding someone is to really assess whether this person has common interests with you. You don’t have to find someone who likes everything you do, but at least some of the things that are important to you, you want to have a partner who can engage with you in this, or at least has the willingness to try.
If you are a person who enjoys working out or being outdoors, this may be a question to ask a potential partner if this is something that they are also interested in, or at least open to doing these activities with you.
Outgoing vs quiet and reserved
Another question you may want to ask yourself is the kind of partner you would like to have socially. Some individuals would like to have a partner who takes initiative, plans dates, is more forward in asking you out, and is more dominant in the relationship. Others may want someone who is more laid back, goes with the flow, and maybe enjoys more alone time or small gatherings.
Here are some questions you could ask to see if they fit that description.
Are you the type of person who likes to socialize in big groups, or do you like to spend time alone or in small groups?
Are you the type of person who takes the initiative to plan dates or make plans, or do you like for your partner to do this instead and take a back seat?
Would you consider yourself an outgoing person who likes to socialize, or do you like to spend time one on one with your partner instead?
Superficial vs intellectual
Everyone has different ways of connecting, and neither of these options is negative, they just are! If you tend to be someone who likes to watch documentaries, talk about what’s happening in the world, debate topics, or have more intellectual conversations, you may be looking for someone who is on that same level. Others may be more superficial, and by that I mean, they may enjoy watching comedies, talking about fun trips, watching the Kardashians, and not taking life too seriously.
Here are some questions to ask a partner to see where they land:
Are you the type of person who enjoys watching comedies, or do you tend to watch movies or documentaries where you can learn something?
Do you like to debate topics with others and enjoy hearing different opinions, or do you like to have more light-hearted conversations with your partner?
Routine vs Spontaneity
If someone is more routine, then they may be the type to be 10 minutes early to an appointment, plans trips months in advance, and may have a hard time with last-minute changes to a plan. If someone is more spontaneous, they may be the type to fly by the seat of their pants, struggle with sticking to plans, and enjoys the last-minute trips up north for a fun getaway. You may be looking for someone on the same level as you, or maybe you are looking for someone who is the opposite of you to help you either be more relaxed or be more structured, depending on what you are looking for!
Here are some questions to ask a potential partner to figure this out:
Are you the type of person who likes to be on time, and gets anxious if you are running late, or are you the type of person who is always running late?
How do you feel about spontaneous road trips the day of?
Are you a planner and like to have a structure in your day, or do you like to see where life takes you?
Communication Style
Communication is one of the top issues that couples come to me for to discuss how to express their emotions in a healthy way to reach their partner. This is a good question to ask when getting to know someone to see how they handle conflict in a relationship. Some individuals may have more of an avoidant attachment style, which may mean that they don’t always share how they are feeling or when they are upset and can hold it in making it difficult to work through struggles in the relationship. Others may be very expressive on how they feel and need to consistently talk about what is going on in the relationship, which can be good and bad depending on how this is approached with a partner. It is important to find someone who is willing to work on conflict resolution and can talk about what they need and how they are feeling (including you). This may be something to think about within yourself as well on how you communicate needs and hurt in relationships.
Here are some questions to find out how they communicate:
When you are in conflict with your partner, do you tend to avoid the conflict, or do you want to talk about it at the moment?
What have been some of your struggles in relationships when it comes to conflict and resolving conflict in the past?
Do you feel comfortable telling your partner when something has upset you, or do you get anxious about sharing your needs and hurt?
How to comfort someone in times of hurt
This is just good information to know, that way you are set up for success when something fractures a relationship, and you have discussed ways that create connection and comfort within the relationship during times of stress. Everyone has different ways of feeling connected and cared for in times of conflict, and knowing this can be something to assess within a relationship, and identify if this would be challenging for you or not.
Here are some questions to ask a potential partner:
When you are stressed out, what is a way that your partner can show up for you?
When in conflict, what is something that you need to know that your partner still cares for you and can decrease disconnection in those moments?
Future Plans
This is an important topic to discuss and this can include many aspects of life regarding having children, where you want to live, and how you see your future in a relationship. If you know that you do not want to have children, then this is something to address with a partner, in the beginning, to understand if you are on the same page. If you are someone who does not want to move and enjoys the state you live in, but your partner wants to move or travel the world, this may be a deal breaker for you. Asking about future plans can help you see if this person would be a good fit for you.
For some of these questions, you may feel neutral about whether your partner is one way or the other, and that is totally fine!
That just means you are more flexible in the type of partner you are looking for. Many people I work with have never really asked themselves what type of partner they are looking for, or assessed what is important to them in a relationship, leading them to go on dates with many people that don’t fit what they need. Try to look within, and start asking these questions before going on a date to narrow down what you are looking for, and hopefully have a better dating experience!
Begin Working With A Couples Therapist in Arizona and Colorado
Dating is much easier said than done. I know that you may experience concerns you need to address with outside support. This is why I am happy to offer relationship therapy support for residents across Arizona and Colorado, so let’s connect today!
