Reconnect With Your Partner: 5 Tips From an Online Relationship Therapist

The Struggle With Relationship Distress

Many couples come to me looking for advice and direction on how to get back their emotional connection. Couples will tell me that they try to go on more dates, play games together, and spend time alone together, but they are still struggling to get that spark back. As an Emotion-Focused Therapist for Couples at Aspen Grove Counseling, I believe that it takes more than just a date night once a week to get that connection back.

Here are 5 tips that I recommend as a relationship therapist to work on your emotional connection with your partner.

Check-in With How They are Feeling

Many times, both partners in a relationship may be unhappy because they do not feel understood or heard within the relationship, and this is what causes some disconnection. When we take the time to ask our partner “how are you feeling?” rather than “how was your day?” this provides more information and depth to a relationship. This shows that you care about how they are feeling in that moment, and offering a listening ear so that they feel heard is important.

Offer Support in The Way That THEY Need It

Many times couples come to me knowing the 5 love languages. If you don’t know what that is, the 5 love languages are 5 ways to show and receive love from another person. This would include physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gift-giving, and quality time. If you receive love in the way of acts of service, you may be more comfortable with providing this as a way of showing love to your partner.

I have been guilty of this myself, and it took some time to realize that just because I show love in one way, does not mean that my partner will get the message that I am showing them, love. Ask your partner about the last time they really felt loved by you, and what it was that you did that created that feeling for them to get a better idea of what they may need.

Listen Without Judgement

I know this can be hard sometimes, because you may disagree with your partner’s side of things and view of a situation. Although, it is important that you practice active listening when your partner is sharing why they are upset. Active listening looks like taking a deep breath, slowing down your response to your partner, and providing eye contact so they know you are taking in what they are saying.

If you tend to have a defensive reaction to your partner’s concerns, this could cause more disconnection in the relationship, as they are not feeling heard in how they are feeling. Anger tends to push others away, and the goal is to create a connection. If you are having a hard time grasping why they feel a certain way, just get curious, continue to ask questions, or say “can you help me understand? I am having trouble getting this.”

Focus On The Good

Many times couples can get caught in the cycle of focusing on the negative things that their partner does. You may not notice it, but check in with yourself and be mindful of how often you are giving positive feedback rather than critical feedback. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it, but our partner may be feeling the criticism, and this could be created disconnection.

Try your best to point out big and small things that your partner does that you like, or that were helpful, and focus 90% on this. If the relationship is more focused on the positive and what your partner does to make the relationship great, this makes it easier for your partner to then hear your criticism later.

Show Interest In What Your Partner Likes

Your partner may have some interests that may not be your thing, we have all been there. Although, by showing interest in these activities or hobbies, you are telling your partner that you care about what they are into. This creates connection because your partner may know that it is not your cup of tea, but you showing interest, asking questions about it, or even engaging in the activity that they enjoy will usually create a stronger bond between the two of you.

Follow Through

Try some of these tips this week! I hope this helps on getting that spark going, or even just be more mindful of your own actions within the relationship. This could be a good conversation starter with your partner on how both of you can be putting in the effort to create more connection and trust. To learn more about couples therapy or relationship therapy, contact me and we can talk more!